In business conflict, separate the person from the problem

When one of my clients finds themselves in a conflict with an employee or, in the case of a family business, a family member, my first advice to them is to never underestimate the importance of what you say. In a heated situation, it’s easy to fire off some tough words. But that kind of gut reaction can ultimately damage your plan to resolve the conflict. Words, especially harsh ones, can be sticky. They can cause hurt and impact the conversation in ways you might not be able to imagine. Communication can be, and often is, misunderstood. That’s because we naturally see an issue from our own point of view, not from another’s. 

A recent Inc. article cites a famous communication research standard, called the 7-38-55 rule, that explores factors that influence communication. Unfortunately, the results of this research are frequently misinterpreted. 

The erroneous assumption is that 7% of communication relies on words, 38% on tone of voice and 55% on body language. What the researchers really found is that in an emotional conversation — the kind in which you will likely find yourself in more than once over the life of your business career — body language and tone of voice combine to influence whether your words are interpreted as credible and believable. For example, if you say you are sorry, but your body language and tone of voice aren’t aligned with your words, it’s likely the other person won’t believe that you are sincere.

The bottom line: words do matter — doubly so in family business conflicts, where emotion is often the driving force. Of course, if simply stating this semi-obvious fact was all it took to fix the “I wish I hadn’t said that” problem faced by almost every human every day, my job (and yours) would be a lot easier. In reality, we all need a strategy. I’m going to focus on a family business for the purpose of this article, but the information applies to any kind of business structure. 

The problem

Reasons for a family business conflict are common and varied — succession, compensation, promotions, power struggles, etc. Difficult but normal business conflicts. But the problem becomes more intense in a family business, where other factors are at play — respect of boundaries, ownership, long existing rivalries and multi-layered communication issues. And while most family businesses do their best to keep the family and the business as siloed as possible, spillover always happens. Time, patience and a better approach, however, can often bridge the divide. 

The solution

When managing family conflicts, I counsel my clients that there are three main areas we must concentrate on if we want to solve family conflicts in a constructive manner. 

1. Consistent, regular communication: Keep talking. More communication is always better than less communication. I suggest setting up family councils, regular family meetings and even a family retreat. The key is planning “drumbeat” meetings — a regular meeting at the same time each week — and sticking to them. Through all of this, it is incredibly important to continue to have family dinners, reunions, vacations — any way you can spend more time together. By communicating more, and communicating consistently, you will grow closer and more understanding of the other person’s position. This will help manage conflicts and enhance your emotional intelligence at the same time.
2. Communication education and training: Communication can be difficult. Different people have different personalities and communication styles. Communication and conflict resolution training can be effective for your team/family. Hiring an expert to facilitate a communication training program can pay dividends immediately, and into the long term. Experts may differ slightly in their approach, but when I run a session like this I focus on listening skills (how to listen and not just hear), conflict resolution skills, negotiating, anger management (if necessary) and most importantly, trust building. Trust is the foundation on which everything rests. 
3. Separate the person from the problem: This is the biggest issue in a family business — the existing relationship goes far beyond business. “Family stuff” can and will come up during business conflicts. I counsel my clients to attack the problem (or behavior), not the person. It takes some patience and practice, but it’s the best way to handle these situations. Another tactic is to focus on each person’s interest in the matter rather than the issue at hand. Asking each family member why they care about the issues being addressed will unveil what their motivation is for taking a particular stance. In many cases, you may find solutions that offer mutual satisfaction. And finally, ensuring that all negotiations are structured and based on objective criteria. Setting these standards will remove the feelings from the outcome. 

What I have laid out is a good outline for how to manage family conflicts, but each situation will be different. Each problem is different. Each family or business is different. But one thing remains true across all variables — thoughtful and consistent communication will alleviate any business conflict.