Bergman: Coach's Corner

Coach's Corner

Entrepreneurs and

the dynamics of conflict

By: NORA RIVA BERGMAN

Conflict. Just the mention of the word can conjure up any number of very negative emotions and feelings for most people. Argue, fight, stress, anxiety, anger, frustration, and pain are but a few of the words that often come to mind when people are asked what they think of when they hear the word "conflict."

While these emotions are no doubt a reality for many of us, conflict is a fact of life. Like it or not, we deal with conflict on a myriad of levels every day. Entrepreneurs and business leaders constantly face conflict situations with their colleagues, associates, potential partners and employees. And while many negative reactions may be triggered by the idea of conflict, it is important to understand that conflict in and of itself is not negative. It is our response to conflict that can create a negative outcome.

Think about it. Every wonderful, exciting, beautiful thing in our world was born of or is part of conflict. Music is the harmonization and dissonance of conflicting notes and patterns and rhythms. All sports are based on conflict. Great theater and movies express conflict and dealing with conflict in thousands of different ways. So why is our reaction to the idea of conflict so negative? There are any number of reasons, which we'll explore in future columns, but for now, I think we can all agree that a negative reaction to conflict is pretty common.

While a negative reaction may indeed be common, a negative or destructive response will escalate the conflict rather than diffuse it. How we choose to respond in any conflict situation can lead to either a successful outcome or a disaster. The key is "how we choose to respond." The choice is ours and we can choose to (learn to) respond constructively or destructively.

Researchers at the Leadership Development Institute at Eckerd College in St. Petersburg have identified a number of responses to conflict - both constructive and destructive - which can serve to either minimize or escalate conflict. Many of us employ these responses or behaviors with little or no thought. Often our responses are simply habits. We are often not consciously "choosing" how to respond to a given situation.

If your typical response is constructive, that's great. If it's not, you're probably used to being in the middle of some very rocky situations. The important thing to understand is that we can learn new constructive responses and choose to employ them in even the most difficult of situations. It's important to keep in mind that improving your constructive responses even slightly will pay big dividends. (See sidebar.)

Even if you're not employing these responses as often as you could, they may seem familiar to you. You may have heard of some of them or it may seem like common sense to you that these types of responses might be an optimal way to respond to conflict. In fact, the Eckerd researchers have found that the more we can use these constructive responses the more positive our conflict outcomes will be. The challenge is to actually use these responses, as opposed to responding as we habitually do, especially if our habitualized responses are destructive.

Next time we'll explore destructive responses to conflict and why they should be avoided. We'll also learn how to break old, destructive conflict response habits and replace them with constructive responses.

Nora Riva Bergman is a coach and practice advisor with Atticus Online. She received an undergraduate degree in journalism, summa cum laude, from the University of South Florida and her J.D., cum laude, from Stetson University College of Law. She practiced as a Civil Rights attorney and Certified Mediator for seven years prior to becoming executive director of the St. Petersburg Bar Association in 1999. She served as an adjunct professor at Stetson teaching Alternative Dispute Resolution and has also taught a course on Conflict Resolution and Negotiation as part of the University of South Florida's MBA Program. You can find out more at www.norarivabergman.com

AT A GLANCE

Constructive

responses

Taking perspective: Put yourself in the other person's shoes and trying to understand what the person is thinking and feeling.

Creating solutions: Brainstorm with the other person to create new ideas and solutions.

Expressing emotions: Talk honestly and directly to the other person and communicating your feelings.

Reaching out: Make the first move to get communication started and trying to repair any emotional damage caused by the conflict.

Thinking reflectively: Analyze the situation to determine the best course of action and reflect upon the best way to proceed.

Delaying response: Let things calm down or take a "time out" before proceeding. (Not to be confused with the destructive response of "avoiding." More about that in a future column.)

Adapting: Staying flexible and optimistic; trying to make the best of the situation